One Hundred and Fifty-Eight Pounds

I was going through my old blog posts and came across One Hundred and Thirty Pounds.  It’s good timing for me because I just tried on a dress I was planning to wear and can no longer fit into, and was starting to feel a little bit down.  I have been wondering lately if most people notice and are annoyed by the way their stomachs roll up when they sit down.  Or if it is just something that has been foreign to me for so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to be a normal, healthy weight.

At my last doctors visit I weighed one hundred and fifty-eight pounds, which is pretty great considering that a year ago I was still at 130 with the doctors trying to make me drink Boost and Ensure just to get a few more pounds on my skeletal frame.

But I have those moments.  Those moments when my skinny clothes don’t fit, or I can feel my skin rolls and see the fleshy bits under my armpits again.  And in those times I think, well maybe I’ve put on enough weight now and should start trying to go back down again.  Not all the way to 130, but I felt pretty good 10 pounds ago.  Maybe if I just start eating a little less I will see those scale numbers drop again.

But then I catch myself and realize what a slippery slope that can be.  Because trying to loose 10 can turn to 15 or 20.  I know, because I have already been there and done that, and it’s no way to live. I don’t want my kids growing up with a mother who is always worried about her weight.  I want them to see me love and enjoy my body, broken and scarred as it is, and not measuring my worth on a scale.

Because I look at what else I have gained with those 28 pounds: energy and stamina to be able to get on the floor and roll around with my girls while they still think I’m the coolest person in the world (I have no doubt those days are numbered,) a sense of my purpose, and a love of myself that I would have never dreamed possible.

Every day I know that I am doing good.  In this messed-up, and broken, and combative world, my suffering allowed me to see people that needed help and then actually do something about it.  And no matter what my kids think, that is cool.

So yeah, I rocked a size 4 a year ago.  But my one hundred and fifty-eight pounds are pretty much made up of awesome.  And wine. And I think that I’m ok with that.