A Moment of Gratitude

I rant a little (or a lot) on this blog.  I talk about the crazy things that are going on in my life and how difficult it has been to deal with it all.  I have talked about my anxiety, my cancer, my miscarriage, my disordered eating, and my surgeries, in addition to the general insanity of raising twin toddlers.  If you want to get caught up quickly you can visit A Brief Timeline of Crazy.  And while I have just begun mining the things I want to vent about and get off my chest, I feel the need to pause for a minute and say that despite all of that I never forget that I have also been amazingly blessed.  I can’t say anymore that I believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but I do believe that if you try, you can take the bad that happens to you and make something beautiful out of it.  For me that something is a new appreciation of the good things in my life, as well as the ability to be there for others who are going through a difficult time.  So here is a list of 10 things for which I will be eternally grateful:

  1. Flopsy and Curly- more than anything else they have been my reason for getting out of bed and my motivation to keep going no matter how crappy I felt.  They are awesome and hilarious and they love tutus, purple, and sparkly things (just like mommy!)  They were the worst sleeping babies in the history of the world, but I am incredibly thankful that they are relatively even-tempered toddlers.  They play really well with each other about 75% of the time, which is pretty good for 2 1/2 and every single day they do something that stops me in my tracks because it is so cute, or sweet, or smart, or funny and I think, “I am the luckiest person in the world that I get to spend my days with these two amazing little people.”  Like when Curly put her hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes and said, “You’re my sweet girl.”  Or when Curly was getting frustrated with putting on her own shoes and Flopsy said, “I’ll help you” and then put Curly’s shoes on for her.  Or yesterday, when they were playing on the swings and taking turns sitting on each other’s lap and swinging together.  I seriously almost had a stroke from cuteness.
  2. Sebastian- My husband is incredible.  Truly, it makes me mad sometimes because I can’t even complain about him when I get together with a bunch of other moms.  He helps around the house, gets up in the middle of the night with the kids when I’m not feeling well, is a loving and devoted dad, encourages me to take “me” time or go out with friends when I can, and managed to pick up all the extra work I could not do this past year when I was really sick.    He also has to put up with much more of my crazy than anyone else and somehow still loves me.  The most annoying thing about him is that he is almost always right.  Please don’t tell him I said that!
  3. My Family- By this I mean my parents, siblings, grandparents, and also Sebastian’s family who have been wonderful through all of our turmoil.  I seriously don’t know how we would have survived the past few years without the family support we have had.  They have gathered around us like a giant protective hugging net that has kept us from falling- yes a hugging net, I don’t know what that is either but I’m sticking with it.
  4. My Friends- Even those who I have not talked to on a regular basis in the past years have come out of the woodwork to support me.  Especially since I started this blog and actually let people in to the realities of what was going on with my life, I have been showered with love from my friends.
  5. Wonder J (Our Nanny)- I have a whole post dedicated to her, but knowing that my kids are in such good hands has taken a ton of mommy guilt off my shoulders!
  6. Dr. Awesome (My Therapist)- she helps me keep the crazy at bay and gives me Xanax.  ‘Nuff Said.
  7. That I Had Twins- sure, having 2 babies at once was front loaded with difficulty, but when I got the scary news that my uterus had been removed to save my life, I was devastated, but not nearly as much as I would have been if I hadn’t had two darling babies to go home to.  I know that my family is perfect and complete.  Plus, I don’t get a period anymore- can’t say that I miss that!
  8. The Body Scan that Found my Cancer- it was horrible timing, but I do realize how lucky I am that a random scan before surgery found that lump and I was able to have it removed long before I ever showed symptoms.  Otherwise, that little ball of yuck could have kept growing for a long time and put me in a much worse situation.
  9. Our Financial Security- I am immensely grateful that we had good insurance and the ability to get through these years without the crippling debt that chronic illness and multiple surgeries can bring to a family.  Sure, I would much rather have taken an awesome vacation than spend 20 days in the hospital this year, but we didn’t have to choose between paying for my medicines and paying for food.  I do realize how very lucky I am for that.
  10. This Blog- I only go to therapy once a week, but I can write here whenever I want!  It has given me a sense of purpose, a way to express myself, and an outlet for the whirling dervish of thoughts that are constantly going in my head.  It has allowed me to be honest in a way I have never been before.  I am very good at putting up a front of being fine when I am actually far from it. It has been so helpful and freeing to me to have a place to let down my guard, to show the mess I have going on inside, and to advertise to the world how NOT perfect I am.

I started thinking that I needed to write this because I have several friends in crisis right now, and I constantly get people saying to me, “Well, I guess I shouldn’t complain.  It’s not as bad as what you’ve been through.”  I would like to state right now for the record- that is total BS.  If you are dealing with pain, difficulty, or trouble in your life, that is yours and you have every right to be upset about it.  A dear friend of mine who has been through cancer, the loss of her mom, and many other struggles said something to me that I will never forget.  I was saying essentially the same thing to her, that I shouldn’t complain because it could be much worse.  And she said, “If that helps you right now, then use it.  If it doesn’t, don’t!”  I love that thought.  Sometimes you need to wallow in your grief or pain or difficulty to get through it.  And sometimes you need to look at the big picture of the world and be amazed that in the scheme of things your life is actually pretty good.

Right now I feel the need to show my gratitude to the universe that let me get through this horrible time in my life with myself missing a few organs and a little bit of sanity, but mostly intact.  For the first time in a very long time I feel hope.  And that is so beautiful.  I want to say to those out there who are in the midst of a dip in your life when you feel like things will never get better… I have been there.  Like really there, in a pit, thinking that I would never be able to climb out.  And while I am not at the end of my journey of healing (so don’t be surprised when I have ranting posts later about Ulcerative Colitis, or surgeries, or other craziness) I can finally see that glimmer that things are going to be OK.  It is crazy how that snuck up on me.  I didn’t notice I was doing so much better until one day I realized that I could breathe a little easier, that I wasn’t in a constant state of tension waiting for the next of like 40,000 shoes to drop.  And for that spark of hope I am completely awash in gratitude.  Thank you to everyone reading, commenting on, and messaging me about this blog.  You have all helped me to find that spark, thanks for being part of my therapy.  But don’t worry Dr. Awesome, I still need to come to you for my Xanax!

How can I not be grateful for getting to see this?!
How can I not be grateful for getting to see this?!
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Best Buddies and Brave October

I am continuing my campaign for people to participate in Brave October and as part of that I am trying to push myself to be courageous.  I am really skinny right now (seriously, I’m like all elbows and knees) but I am by no means in good shape.  It has been probably two years since I exercised and more like 3 and 1/2 since I did so regularly.  I have gotten cleared by my doctors to start working out again as I feel up to it (see A Brief Timeline of Crazy if you need to catch up on my many health issues) but with my severe anemia and exhaustion I have not felt like starting.  Also I don’t wanna.  I have never been one of those people who enjoys exercise- I strongly believe that running is only for when something big and snarling is chasing you.

And the truth is I have been frightened to start.  I know I am not very strong right now and actually going to the gym seems completely daunting, and an exercise class is so intimidating- I feel like everyone will stare at me and think I am a huge wuss when I am gasping for breath every 5 minutes.  Now, most people probably don’t really care what the person next to them in class is doing, but the reality doesn’t really matter-I have built this up in my head to a point where I am really anxious about it.

Full disclosure here so that no one thinks I am being sneaky and doing a puff piece review- about half my family is somehow involved in SpeedFlex, a workout facility that opened recently in Dallas.  SpeedFlex is supposed to be “revolutionary” because it is a high intensity workout (you only do each exercise for 20 seconds) and there are no weights, just these cool machines that go off your own resistance.  As my father has pointed out to me every time I said I was too weak or tired to go try it, the machines are even being used in clinical trials for chemo patients and in rehab facilities as well as with training for elite athletes.  I still resisted because a) I’m really tired, b) I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it, and c) I don’t wanna.

Then came the Best Buddies SpeedFlex-a-thon this past Saturday.  They did an all day workout event and for every calorie burned got sponsors to donate money to Best Buddies- they raised over $80,000 which is pretty incredible!  I love this organization (more on that later) and I figured I can’t be all #BraveOctober and then not do it myself.  So I put on my big girl yoga pants and started going in a few weeks ago to build up my strength to participate on my family’s team.  The first time I went, I had to bail after 7 minutes, but I actually felt pretty good about myself afterward.  And then I found that each time I could do more and more, and on Saturday, I did a whole 30 minute workout session and burned 347 calories!  I felt great that I helped raise money for Best Buddies, excited that I was actually strong enough to get through it, and really proud of myself that I was brave enough to workout in front of so many people (the place was packed for the event.)  I also felt a little annoyed because now my whole family gets to say “I told you so,” but that’s a separate issue.

Flexing my awesome chicken arms!
Flexing my awesome chicken arms!

The event was also eye opening for me in another way.  If you are unfamiliar with Best Buddies, please click on that link and learn about them, it is an awesome organization.  They pair people up (like a Big Brothers/Big Sisters thing) to help foster one-to-one friendships for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.  They start pairing buddies in middle school and continue through high school, college, and with adults.  Having met and talked with a few of the Buddies on Saturday, I can absolutely see how much this program could enrich the lives of both the volunteers and the Buddies.  I spent a lot of time talking to Jeremy, who is a Best Buddies ambassador, and has been with the program for about 12 years.  He is interesting, articulate, and one of the most enthusiastic people I have ever met- seriously his smile is the epitome of contagious!

Tyler was another Buddy who had worked out in an earlier session that day but stood to the side in the room when I was exercising.  Every time I was feeling exhausted or like I wanted to quit, I would look over at him and he would wave and clap and cheer me on, which was almost as good as another B12 shot!  I spoke to his mother and she told me how wonderful this program has been for him in the past few years.  When he came over I bragged to his mom about how helpful his cheering was and his response was, “Yeah, I’m the man!”  Yes, Tyler, yes you are!

Jeremy, me, and Tyler.  I am by far the least cool person in this pic! :)
Jeremy, me, and Tyler. I am by far the least cool person in this pic! 🙂

The Best Buddies program to me is an embodiment of my idea of #BraveOctober.  Sometimes just being yourself in a world where you are different is an incredibly courageous move.  I hope my girls get involved with the program when they are old enough, because, as I have mentioned before, I believe that the best way to raise children who are open-minded is to introduce them at a young age to the fact that people have differences and those are not frightening, they’re beautiful.  I want my kids to be brave enough to loudly stand up for someone with an intellectual or developmental disability because they know first hand what a great buddy that someone can be.